Soccer & Football

Recently, I was fortunate enough to attend a football game.  Well, a soccer game, to be correct, but one of the many foibles of the English is that they have funny names for things, needlessly confusing an otherwise clear language. We'll call it soccer from here on out.

English (and European) soccer leagues are quite different from their US counterparts.  And I don't mean the US soccer league- MLS*- I mean the real sports leagues, like the NFL, NBA, MLB, and LWV**.  Here's a quick guide to how it all works.

Leagues
In the English system, you have not one but several leagues, arranged in a tier system.  Here are the tiers, from best to worst, with number of teams in each following in parentheses:

Premiereship (20)
Football League:
   Championship (24)
   League 1 (24)
   League 2 (24)
National League System:
   7 tiers, with varying numbers of teams in each
Houses of Parliament:
   House of Lords
   House of Commons

The teams in each league change every year- the bottom few teams in a given league drop down to the next lower league, and the top few move up to the next higher, if possible. In theory, with this system, a team starting in tier 7 of the national league system could, after just over a decade, ascend to the Premiership.  Contrast this to the US leagues, where you have one tier, with a set number of teams- generally 30ish- and the teams, no matter how abysmal, stay in the league from year to year.  When I say "stay in the league," I mean literally, of course- based on performance, one could credibly claim that the Cleveland Browns left the league years ago, but nobody's told them***.  The bottom line is that, in the States, there's no tier system.  Everyone stays. In English soccer, you have to get used to a slightly different alignment each year.

Other Leagues
Thus far, I've discussed only English leagues.  But, let's shake things up a bit.  Like England, most other European nations have a host of problems and odd-looking people, as well as a tiered soccer system- this is true in Germany, Spain, and even France.  The best teams from the top league of each country form another league- called the Champions League- which takes the best 1-4 teams (depending on country) from each country's top league (the Premiereship in our case), and pits those teams against each other.  This league doesn't meet (almost) every weekend, like the national team leagues- Champions League play occurs every few weeks, on a weekday, and has a "group stage" before the knockout stages (like the World Cup). 

The Europa League is yet another league, and takes the next best teams from each country's top league and pits them against each other.  So, for example, if the English Premier League has Teams 1-4 in the Champions League, teams 5-7/8 get to play in the Europa League, which is structured the same way as the Champions League (group stage/etc).  Like me, you've probably stopped caring by this point.

Trophies and Championships
In American sports, there's a regular season, followed by playoffs, and the winner of the playoffs is champion of the whole league- or, in most cases, deemed "champion of the world."   There are no playoffs in English soccer.  Instead, there are trophies.  The trophies for which clubs can compete depends, in part, on which league(s) they're in.  Each season, at least 3 trophies are up for grabs:
1) The League Trophy
The team with the best record in each league at the end of the year is awarded a trophy for that league.  So, number 1 in the Premiership gets that trophy, number 1 in the Championship gets that trophy, etc.  Teams generally play league games on weekends.
2) The FA Cup Trophy
The FA cup is a single elimination tournament where teams in the top 10 leagues- Premiership through Tier 6 of the national league system- compete for the FA Cup trophy. Teams generally play FA Cup games on weekdays.
3) The League Cup Trophy
   The League cup is a single elimination tournament where teams in the top 4 leagues- Premiership through League 2- compete for the League Cup Trophy.  Teams generally play League Cup games on weekdays.

If you're in the Champions or Europa League, you could get a trophy for winning them, too.

The interesting aspect of this system is, one team could play against the same opponent over the span of a few weeks, but for completely different competitions.  Arsenal, for example, could play Chelsea on a Saturday in a Premiereship league match-up, then play Chelsea again on the following Wednesday in a FA Cup match-up, the play Chelsea a few weeks later on a Tuesday in a League Cup match-up.  Confusing, isn't it?

Team Names
American sports teams have a pretty standard name format: <city> <team name>.  The team name portion is generally something like an animal, weather effect, or political affiliation, and you call the team by that name.  Examples:
Philadelphia Eagles
Tampa Bay Lightning
Los Angeles Communists

In England, the team names may or may not include the city, may have more than one team per city, and they have a nickname that isn't in their "title."
Manchester United (plays in Manchester) <nickname: The Red Devils>
Arsenal (plays in London) <nickname: Gunners>
Chelsea (plays in London) <nickname: Blues>
Newcastle United (plays in Newcastle) <nickname: Magpies>

They also have a logo, which is often related neither to their title nor their nickname.  Newcastle United's logo, for example, has what appear to be seahorses.  Watford has a logo with a red moose- and the team nickname is "the Hornets."  This is due, I believe, to centuries of in-breeding.  As an aside, one of my favorite team names is Sheffield Wednesday. Putting a day of the week, or time of the day, in team names should be mandatory.  "Who do you favor?"  "Oh, I'm going for Doncaster 5pm every other Monday except on government holidays."

Fans
The most important thing to understand about English soccer fans is that they're mentally unstable and allowed to freely operate outside what we could call "the law."  Arson, assault, and public urination are not only permitted, but mandated at many soccer events.  There's even one case- seriously- where the fans set fire to their own stadium after they won.  And that's when they're happy.

Fans sing team songs throughout the match, which are normally highly amusing and likely to get you fired or shot if you ever sang them in other public settings.  I won't elaborate, save to say things like "ethics" and "kind words" are generally not themes of the tunes.

Attending Games
For those unfamiliar- and many Americans are- soccer is a game that requires excellent physical conditioning and a decent acting ability.  Here's what you'll see players doing at a match:
- kick ball
- run
- fall over, whether or not anybody's in the area, grasping knee, with a grimace of incomprehensible anguish
- hope for foul
   - if no foul, get up and play like nothing happened
   - if foul, get up and play like nothing happened
- go to start

When attending a game, if you value your existence, do not cheer for the away team unless you're sitting in the designated away team section, guarded by most of the English army and a healthy contingent of automated missile launchers.

Here's what you'll see after the match:
- riots
- looting
- unmitigated random acts of violence
And that's from the police.  I won't even get into the fans' activities.

Conclusion
I don't remember why I did this, but it's gone on long enough.  English soccer is fun- when enjoyed responsibly.


*nobody watches the MLS- some of the league's own players even expressed surprise when informed of its existence.
**League of Women Voters
***and nobody cares- it's Cleveland.