A History of Britain

Having lived in the UK for almost 3 years, I'm something of an expert on the history of the land.  Understanding the history of an area gives us a heightened appreciation in several respects- but most importantly, it tells us how to avoid unwittingly incurring the hatred of the local populace.  For example, if you were traveling in Turkey and introduced yourself as Kurdish or Armenian, you might get shot.  Why?  Because history would tell you that those peoples aren't on the best of terms.  Now, if you introduced yourself the same way to someone in Philadelphia, something entirely different would happen- you would still get shot, but in this case, it would be because they wanted your shoes.  I had a point; I've lost it now.  Ah, yes- history matters.  So, free of charge, I present the below overview of British history for those living in this great land.

McLean's History of the Britons

1,000 BC: The native Britons are a happy bunch, frolicking often with unicorns amidst a backdrop of rainbows, puppies, and chocolate chip cookies. 

500 BC: After a weekend of unusually excessive drinking, Prehistoric British University (PBU) students decide to build a random structure for hangouts and keggers.  They call it "Stonehenge."

~0 AD: The Romans, having a limited understanding of weather patterns, make a conscious decision to invade Britain.

~120: The Roman invasion progresses to halfway up the island.  They then encounter men wearing dresses, eating sheep lung, and playing bagpipes, an instrument which has been likened, not inaccurately, to an amplified nasal kazoo.  Exercising seldom-used discretion, the Romans call it quits and build a large wall, name it "Hadrian," and elect to keep the natives north of the wall at a healthy distance. 

~200: The Romans build the main north-south roads on the island.  This is the first and last time major roads are constructed in Britain.

~450: After centuries of rain, the Romans decide "it just isn't worth it" and abandon the island, opting to seek decent plumbing and reasonable medical care elsewhere.   The native Britons are excited, but before long . .

~500: Two street gangs, the Angles and the Saxons, invade Britain from [current] Germany/Denmark.  They challenge the native Britons, led by mythical King Arthur, to a heated game of mythical Triominoes.  The Britons lose, are banished to Wales, and are forced to use an alphabet consisting almost entirely of G's, L's, and Y's, leading to place names like Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch (yes, this is a real town name).

~800: Vikings invade York.  They end up splitting rule of parts of England with the Anglo-Saxons for several centuries.  Who cares?

~850: Monarchs begin appending appropriate and/or comical names to their birthnames.  Examples include Sven Forkbeard, Robert Bluetooth, Edward the Confessor, Ethelred the Unready, Aethelfrith the Somewhat Annoying, and Walter the Ridiculously Good-Looking But Prone to Drunkenness.

1065: William the Conqueror invades England, but is turned away at Customs when they determine that his visa application was filled out incorrectly.

1066: William the Conqueror returns to England with several thousand ill-tempered, physically-imposing men, each of whom is named Norman.  Appropriately, this is called the Norman invasion. 

1150: an overweight, down-on-his-luck minstrel named Robin Hood takes up LARPing (live action role playing) in Sherwood forest.   He writes outrageous stories about himself and spreads them throughout the land in an ultimately-successful quest for fame. 

1215: The nobility forces King John to sign the Magna Carta, granting them (the nobles) greater rights, to include the right to continue shamelessly exploiting poor people.

1337-1453: Having a poor grasp of math, the Brits fight the French on and off for 116 years, but call the conflict the Hundred Years' War.

1346-1353: Black Plague strikes, killing pretty much everybody.  I'm having a difficult time trying to spin this into something heartwarming.

1455: What began as harmless fun- nobility lofting floral arrangements at each other- takes a deadly turn and escalates into the Wars of the Roses.  This war featured the powerful houses of the time: Lancaster, York, and Teleflora.

1508: Henry VIII becomes the first monarch on eHarmony.  His profile: "severely obese man with violent temper, prone to fits of inane babbling, seeks significantly younger, attractive women.  Male children a must.  No long-term relationship necessary."

1536: Henry VIII, for future tourism purposes, demands that all monasteries be converted to ruins. 

1600: Tired of bland British cooking, Queen Elizabeth I gives permission to invade India.  From her memoirs: "sometimes you just need a good curry."

1600ish: King "LeBron" James I officially unites the English and Scottish thrones.

1775-1783: The Brits lose to a bunch of poor, ill-equipped, foul-smelling Americans in the Revolutionary War.

1882: Plumbing is installed in Britain.

1883: Plumbing is updated in Britain for the last time.

1911: Titanic is built.  It's billed the ship that God couldn't sink.

1912: Titanic sinks.  Leonardo Di Caprio fans are heartbroken.

1913: Cars are mass-produced for the first time.  The average British car is 2.1 meters wide; the average British lane, 1.8 meters.

1914-18: WWI.  Germany invades the rest of Europe; Britain relies heavily on America for help.

1939-45: WWII.  See previous post.

1948: Realizing that a large portion of the population could not afford health care, the National Health Service (NHS) is created.  Now, regardless of economic standing, anyone can go to the doctor, for free, and be told to "give it a few weeks and see if it won't heal on its own."

1950: Britain comes in dead last at the Modern and Sound Plumbing championships, losing by a wide margin to every major country and several species of moderately-organized amphibians.

2014: An amateur blogger attempts to summarize Britain's history, but gets tired and decides to skip the last 65 years or so.