Unwanted (Jay Stringer)

We live at a critical inflection point in our world's relationship to sex. Sexual pain and confusion are commonplace. The debris of sexual violence is scattered across every continent. - Jay Stringer

In Unwanted, pastor and counselor Jay Stringer takes an unorthodox approach to "unwanted sexual behavior" (things like affairs, pornography, and hookup apps). Arguing that "lust management" techniques are ineffective, he instead insists that "the underlying issues that drive our sexual lust and anger" must be explored. Using his experience as a counselor and data from a study involving 3,800 people, he explores the theology of the topic and then looks at it in three parts, described below.

Part 1: "How did I get here?"

Nobody has a perfect childhood, and one doesn't have to be subjected to something as horrific as abuse to have great pain in their past. One premise of his work is that "the formative experiences of our childhood (loneliness, pain, sexual arousal, secrecy, and relational ambivalence) are all being repeated in our unwanted sexual behavior as adults." He looks "to the past not to find excuses for reprehensible behavior but because narrative holds the key to unlocking destructive patterns and implementing all future change," and argues that "our way out of sexual brokenness begins by healing the wounds within us." So he looks at dysfunctional family systems (those overly rigid or disengaged), emotional abandonment, triangulation (emotional enmeshment, when the child is expected to fill the emotional void vacated by the spouse), trauma, and sexual abuse.

Part 2: "Why do I stay?"

Stringer's research shows that "unwanted sexual behavior forms when six core life experiences are linked together: deprivation, dissociation, unconscious arousal, futility, lust, and anger. Any of these experiences on their own are not enough to create pervasive damage, [but] . . . when these experience link and reinforce one another" bad things can appear. He spends time explaining each element; for example, deprivation is when people "deprive themselves of meaningful relationships and self-care because they do not feel as if they deserve them," often leading to a cycle of turning to destructive counterfeits. Or dissociation is seeking to escape from reality and its difficulties and failures. He also looks at the influences of society on the struggle.

Part 3: "How do I get out of here?"

Stringer explores transformation in three areas: self, primary relationships, and broader community.

Self: "To find freedom, disarm the power of shame," as "shame convinces us that we are unwanted, and we pursue behavior that confirms it." In addition, "choose joy and develop a routine of delight," "choose personal integrity," and "anticipate your struggles." Things like self-care are important.

Primary relationships: Learn "to invest in transformative relationships characterized by 'attunement and containment,' 'conflict and repair,' and 'vulnerability and strength.'"

Broader community: "For community to reach its full potential, . . . you must experience structure and accountability, learn to have your story held by others, offer empathy and curiosity for the stories of others, [and] discover purpose, living for a bigger story." We need friends and allies to engage in "consistent, enjoyable, and intentional time." In community, discover your purpose, for "the mark of healing is not merely the cessation of problematic behavior but rather a life filled with greater passion, contribution, and purpose."

All sin- sexual sin included- is the corruption of a legitimate desire. "If you want to fight, don't fight to eliminate desire; fight to discover meaning." In the end, "true recovery is not about quarantine of the body but about its restoration." "Central to the gospel we proclaim is a belief that God is active in our story, inviting us to participate with him in restoring all things. For this reason, God loves to invite us to use our story . . . to bring personal and communal healing." For "in God's economy, nothing is lost."

Review

This was a great book. In my opinion, the concepts, mindsets, and approaches are helpful to anyone struggling with any sort of addictive sinful behavior (which can be nearly anything- materialism, gossip, etc.). Some things were new to me; others were familiar but presented in slightly different fashion (and well worth the reminder). Highly recommended.

Rating: A