 |
| image from here |
Now, to be fair, it's not entirely their fault. Mostly their fault, yes, but not entirely. Modern man has made this considerably tougher, and you'll see why below. Recent regulations + Internet-aided hysteria make shopping an extremely enjoyable experience for all around. I helpfully break down purchases into the most common categories, to peruse or ignore at your leisure.
Car Seats
In the '50s, a laundry basket, carefully padded with blankets, was sufficient to store your child in the back seat- a cage was also acceptable. That was before the hippies were in charge. Now, like everything else, choosing the right car seat is extremely important, and if you guess wrong (e.g. spend less than $450), you will place your child in mortal peril.
Your basic modern car seat is most accurately compared to the captain's console on the Starship Enterprise. The seat must be capable of facing forward or backward, and at various angles, to ensure safety. A wide array of gadgets must flank your child, to give him or her a wide variety of in-drive entertainment options, each of which is designed to distract the driver long enough to create a tense and dangerous atmosphere on the motorways. The frame of the seat should be designed to resist all installation attempts, and should require at least 10 curse words and 200lbs of force on it before you can secure it in the vehicle according to the manufacturer's recommended specification. The fabric of the seat should absorb spit-up and hide cheerios easily. In general, as long as the car seat takes up more room than you, a full-grown adult, you're probably okay.
Strollers
Don't fall into the trap- stroller shopping is not easy. Like me, perhaps you thought that upon birth, you'd be issued a cheap, collapsible umbrella stroller with only three working wheels, which would get you through 3-5 children, easy (at least, our parents somehow managed it). The other wheel would stick at odd angles or fall off, but careful balancing and physical effort overcame this minor obstacle. So little did I understand.
Modern stroller shopping is like shopping for a car- and you'll spend about the same, too. Thankfully, there are many good brands out there, so as long as you get something with adjustable straps, multiple seating arrangements, anti-lock brakes, side-impact airbags, an ejection seat, heated handlebars, iPod docking station, Starbucks coffee cup holder, 35mpg (city), three full baths, and two miles from the beach, you'll be fine. Expect to spend between $700-$2.6 Million.
Cribs
Cribs consist of two components: the crib itself and the mattress. For the crib itself, you have a few options:
1) buy a crib. Don't get one with a drop-down side; it can malfunction. Don't get one with slats; kids can get stuck in them. Don't get one with solid wood- kids can suffocate. In fact, most cribs are (apparently) recalled after a few years. Just remember, no matter what crib you buy, it's horribly unsafe. Feel better?
2) build a crib. This is possible, but few have the skill or desire.
3) throw the kid on horse blankets in the corner. Probably your best bet.
Now, on to the mattress. According to the FDA, ADA, American Children's Association, and the National Rifle Association, your best bet for a mattress is one made entirely of organic, hand-picked cotton, constructed by free-range, well-compensated unicorns working in Fern Gully. Anything else contains harmful CHEMICALS that will be HORRIBLY PROBLEMATIC and no doubt cause irreparable BRAIN DAMAGE. Those horse blankets are looking better and better.
Toys
Make sure plastic toys are BPA-free. BPA is a chemical proven, in large doses, to give lab rats the irresistible urge to enroll in graduate-level art history courses, so it's understandably been outlawed. Wood toys are okay, but make sure the paint/glaze has been applied by only ordained ministers. Make sure toys are age-appropriate; if you get this wrong, your child may mutate and grow a third arm or something. Also, if you value your well-being, under no circumstance give your child anything that makes noise. Ignore me at your peril.
Diapers
Some new parents are tempted to buy cloth diapers. We went through this phase, too, but soon realized the advantages of not having to run feces-soaked articles through the same machine we use to launder our (marginally) presentable clothing. Kids, especially newborns, go through about 25 diapers an hour, and have a well-honed survival mechanism that enables them to vacate a small portion of their bowels upon sensing a new diaper. They can repeat this up to 5 times in a row. Don't get upset- it's their way of contributing to the family; to making their presence felt. It's best, for the first few months, to give up and put some newspaper down.
Clothing
Don't buy your children clothing- that's what friends and relatives are for. Here's a handy tip: don't tell anyone the gender of the baby you're having. People, in their haste to lavish gifts upon you, will buy you neutral-colored apparel (yellow/green). Then, when your child is born, those same people will buy gender-appropriate colors. Just make sure that, whatever they buy, it's flame-retardant, waterproof, wind-resistant, 100% natural, sufficiently ventilated, and appropriately warming, or there's a good chance your child will develop severe social problems.
Final Thoughts
If you have any questions at all, anything, please just do an Internet search. The Internet has all the answers. You can trust me- you're reading this on the Internet. You'll find all sorts of helpful resources online, each of which will tell you that, no matter what, your child is doomed. It doesn't matter how healthy, how organic, how natural, or how safe your things are, somebody, somewhere had a horrible experience with it, and is more than happy to blog about it online. Just remember: whatever happened to them is bound to happen to you. There is no escape. Embrace your destiny.
You are going to love being a parent.
