The Advantages of Hair Loss

"Do you miss it?"  So asked my stylist,* as I sat down in the chair.  She was referring to both the color of my hair (it's faded from the vibrant red of my youth) and the density (I'm thinning on top and have lost 2" of hairline since high school).  "Not really," I replied, perhaps a bit too hastily, my curt answer indicating that it was a sensitive subject, which in turn implied that my answer was less than honest.  Afterwards, I reflected more on the topic.  Do I really care?  Well, yes and no.  While part of me mourns the presence of such an obvious sign of aging, there are many benefits to having less than a full mop on top.  In fact, as I think through it, the advantages to baldness may be greater than I initially realized.  So, without further ado, today's topic discusses . . .

the advantages of balding

1) You use less shampoo

Less hair means less shampoo.  A lot less.  Some women go through a bottle of shampoo every two days.  At least, I believe they must.  When I got married, I was used to the typical man-bathroom: one bottle of shampoo (probably purchased 10 years ago), and one bar of soap (likely a sliver, which should have been replaced long ago).  Then Beth and I were wed, and I was introduced to the concept of 5+ bottles of different shampoos, conditioners, and who knows what else in the shower.  Not understanding the rationale, I must conclude that women have so many bottles because they have so much hair, and use so much shampoo for it.  Continuing my trend of making up numbers, if a bottle of shampoo costs $3.29, and your typical hair-empowered person uses a bottle every two days, it means people with hair spend $600 on shampoo each year- $1200 if they rinse and repeat as recommended.  Now, us bald guys can make a bottle last the better part of a year, so we probably spend $6.58.  The savings speaks for itself.

2) Haircuts are cheaper

 The event that kicked off this post occurred in a salon that serves men and women.  Women can pay over $100 for a haircut, due (I guess) to having more hair.  With next to nothing on top, I got charged "only" $21, and $5 of that was to trim my beard.  As my balding progresses, I can buy a $70 razor and do it myself at home.  Assuming women get their $100 hair cuts once a month, and ignoring variables that would weaken my argument, that means I'll save $1130 the first year (when I buy the razor), and $1200 a year thereafter on haircuts.  The savings is staggering.

3) Your morning prep time is way down

Well I remember the days of thick tresses.  I'd have to spend at least an hour in the bathroom, washing, drying, and styling my lovely scarlet locks.  Now, with next to nothing on top, showering time is way down, and it takes only 15 minutes to massage my scalp into something marginally presentable.  Saving 45 minutes a day = 16,425 minutes a year.  That's 274 hours or 11 days.  That's right; bald guys get two extra weeks of vacation.

4) You don't have to worry about bed/hat head

I recall those times where necessity dictated I shower at night, meaning I'd likely wake up in the morning with "bed head"- that weird condition where (presumably) night gremlins style your hair in amusing,  embarrassing, and unalterable ways.  Fast forward to present day- nothing to work with means those night gremlins are unemployed, at least on this guy's scalp.  The same concept applies to wearing hats- I can now exchange headpieces as early and often as I like throughout the day, with no concern of consequence.  Live free, cue balls!

5) It's easier to check for ticks

Lyme disease is a horrible condition that affects about 30,000 Americans a year.  People with lyme disease are subject to a number of horrible conditions, to include ear swelling, "blue nose," and desire to enter politics.  Lyme disease is transmitted by ticks who've eaten at Denny's, and then nestled in people's hair.  Upon leaving said chain of restaurants, people are advised to check for ticks lurking in those hard-to-see areas.  Bald men have no problems here.  Ticks can be spotted on a shiny cranium from over 500 yards; needless to say, the baldies don't have to worry about this one, while the rest of you should be fearing for your lives.

6) You have the advantage in a streetfight

This one has several subcategories:
- You deter crime by looking more menacing.  The best thing bald guys can do is get a tattoo on their skull, and grow out odd and/or intimidating facial hair patterns.  Nothing says "don't mess with me" quite like that look.
- You can blind your enemies. Hand-to-hand combat  with a bald guy on a sunny day definitely favors baldie.  His head effectively becomes a mirror, blinding his opponent and making for an easy win.

- You can't be affected by hair pulling.  'Nuff said.

Tip for Bald Guys

Now, while I've just conclusively proven that being bare up top is, in fact, a marked advantage, you have to learn how to "wear the look."  The most important thing here is to embrace the hair loss.  Embrace it.  in other words, keep what little hair remains on your head short- very short.  Let's face it, guys- comb-overs have never, ever fooled anyone, and have done nothing but make the bearer look ridiculous.  Once, I even saw a "comb-forward-and-over"- the guy sporting it had one small patch of hair left, behind his left ear.  He grew it out long, and combed it forward and over his scalp.  He looked like he had a spider clinging to his head.  That's ridiculous.  Heed my advice- keep it short, and enjoy the savings previously discussed.

Conclusion

It looks like there are more advantages to balding than I thought.  I'll save $1700-$2400 a year, have 11 more days to do what I want, and avoid the horrors and political ambitions associated with Lyme disease.  I'm off to enjoy my time and money- I hope that hair is worth it to you.

*yes, stylist.  Anyone charging over $20 for a simple men's cut shouldn't be called a barber.