Twenty Years Hitched

Last week, my wife and I celebrated our twentieth wedding anniversary. This posts reflects on marriage and some things I've learned along the way.

1) You'll learn more about yourself . . . and it ain't pretty.

When I got engaged, my friend congratulated me but added an intriguing message: "you're about to find out how selfish you are." He was right. Marriage shows you how selfish you are. Why?

The Bible makes it clear that no one is righteous; nobody seeks God (Romans 3:9-18). God ordained marriage and states that the two become one (Genesis 2:18-24); you will know (and be known by) your spouse better than anyone else on this Earth. Part of that is knowing their sin (and learning your own). Your true self comes to bear; any masks you might wear (consciously or otherwise) in front of others will come off over time. You will see deep ugliness in yourself and your spouse. You will see each other at your worst. 

2) Both spouses need forgiveness and grace.

You will fail in many ways (see point 1). Your spouse will, too. Thankfully, there is forgiveness and grace. We need to bear with and forgive each other (Colossians 3:12-14) early and often (Matthew 18:21-22), remembering we have been forgiven a much greater debt in Christ (Matthew 18:23-35). Similarly, we are to treat each other with grace (unmerited favor), as the Lord treats us (John 1:14-17).

3) Love is self-sacrificial, not transactional.

There are many passages on love in the Bible. I've looked at what it means to love others in recent posts (here, here, and here). From various Bible passages, I summarized love with this definition: "Love is the self-sacrificial and self-forgetful care for and building up of others demonstrated by action, affection, attitude, endurance, and optimism." One key aspect is the self-sacrificial/forgetful nature of love.

It is easy (for me) to be transactional. It can be especially so in marriage. "You do this for me, and I'll do that for you." There can be a time and a place for such things—like divvying up chores—but true love does not take into account their actions for you when choosing your actions for them. Loving my wife means doing the right thing for her even if/when she doesn't return the favor. That is tremendously hard, but it is ultimately freeing to care for others without thought of their care for you. 

As a counselor once told me, our job is to "trust and obey." For things in my control, obey (do the right thing). For things outside of my control, trust (that God will work). Ephesians shows how Christ's self-sacrificial love affects us, and relates it to marriage:

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,  that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. (Ephesians 5:25-28) 

There are no guarantees, but it is what we are called to do. 

4) Love is a choice. It takes work.

There are many emotions in love; not all are romantic or pleasant. In twenty years of marriage, there have been plenty of cases where good feelings weren't there. But going back to the definition of love, the main point is to care of and build up your spouse. That manifests itself in dozens of choices each day regardless of feeling. You can be mad at your spouse and love them. You can disagree and still care. You can be hurt and still choose to love. It's hard work. But worth it.

5) It is easy (but wrong) to put the kids first.

This is a common problem, in the church and culture. Once kids come along, they tend to take center stage, and life revolves around them and their activities. Years later, they move out, and the spouses can realize they don't even know each other anymore. This is not the way it should be. Take time to connect with your spouse—daily. They are your most important earthly relationship, bar none.

6) Marriage is sanctifying; one of the hardest (and best) things you will ever do.

It's been said that there is nothing better than a good marriage, and nothing worse than a bad one. It is constantly sanctifying; we die to self as we grow, forgive each other, and strive to put away our selfishness, looking to love the other before ourselves.

Most marriages I've witnessed have had elements of good and bad. If you strive to bear each other's burdens, share each other's joys, and walk in the same direction [living life in the Gospel and learning what God has for the two of you each step of the way], things will be good. If you don't (and there will be plenty of times when that happens), things will be rough. See point 2. 

7) Focus on God is key.

It is impossible to have a good marriage without God's strength. Your relationship with God precedes everything, and from that flows strength to love your spouse. Only through Jesus can you do so, for 'with men it is impossible, but with God all things are possible' (Matthew 19:26). In Jesus we live and move and have our being (Acts 17:28), and without Him we can do nothing (John 15:5). 

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The above is not exhaustive, but it is a start. I'm glad I married my wife (I still question her decision). It's not always easy, but I'd rather walk a hard road with her than an easy road without. It is not good for man to be alone (Genesis 2:18); thank you, Lord, for marriage. And for forgiveness.