We must remember "that disagreement itself is not the problem," for it "is where we discover opportunities for learning, freshness, new beginnings." It can be "both enjoyable and productive" when done well. But in today's world . . . that seldom happens.
Disagreement can be hard. We may view them "as a kind of threat to our broader identity." There are two basic ways people handle such tense situations—some are "rhinos" (prone to being aggressive) and others "hedgehogs" (prone to being defensive or silent). Both postures have their challenges and temptations to sin in one way or another. But how we treat each other matters greatly, so there is opportunity here to show the world how following Jesus can result in healthy and productive disagreement.
Ortlund's basic outline covers two virtues (kindness and courage), two tools (listening and persuasion), and a final exhortation.
Kindness is powerful; "it helps us not only to like each other more but to understand each other better." So pray for them and their blessedness, show them respect, don't speak ill of them, and strive to encourage and genuinely like them. Bible verses on kindness include Galatians 5:22, Titus 3:2, Colossians 4:6, and 1 Peter 3:15. We are to be kind even to those who revile us (James 2:23). But note: kindness doesn't mean rolling over; there can be times when difficult steps are needed to protect you and yours (see Titus 3:10-11 and Matthew 5:11-12). Helpful questions to determine when you may need to withdraw:
- "Does this person's behavior suggest that engaging with them has a realistic chance of being productive?
- Is addressing a disagreement likely to create further harm?
- Do I have any formal obligations that require me to resolve this difference, or can it be left unresolved without negligence?
- Could a season of waiting or reflection be beneficial before working through a particular disagreement?"
Courage is also needed. "We need to balance kindness (commitment to the person) with courage (commitment to the truth)." We must be willing to stand firm and say difficult words when called for. Though "not every issue is a hill to die on" (we should seek to live "peacably amid our differences on smaller matters"), there are times that "God has battles for you to fight."
- Courage is vulnerable, potentially leading "you to decisions and actions that don't merit any applause." You may be called to enter a fight knowing "you will probably lose." But, where it makes sense, we must stand for truth regardless of outcome or consequence.
- Courage is also beautiful. "There is also a kind of freedom and joy in it . . . because it lifts us away from self-concern."
When considering if we should engage (vs. keeping silent), consider if the disagreement is 1) "important to the cause of the gospel" and 2) "likely to be productive?" It is about what is right, edifying, and useful.
Listening is the receptive part of dialogue and "is one of the indelible marks of wisdom." (Consider Proverbs 12:15, 13:1, and 15:32.) It "takes energy. It's an active, responsive discipline" and "requires a posture of openness: a willingness to be maneuvered by the information we are receiving." (See James 3:17) Feeling heard is critical in effective disagreement; one way to work on this "is to cultivate a sincer curiosity about other perspectives."
Some listening strategies: take your time and be patient (James 1:19), ask clarifying questions, pay attention to details (like nonverbal cues), give them the benefit of the doubt, and consider the possibility that the other is speaking out of trauma (deep pain or suffering).
If things broil over into conflict, pray for a heart of mercy (Ephesians 4:32), keep watch on yourself (Galatians 6:1), don't take it personally (be secure in Christ's love for you), hope for the other's renewal (and pray for their progress in the faith), and pray the Lord would show you your sin in the conflict.
Persuasion is the proactive part of dialogue. It seeks to move and influence others. This can be viewed as a negative trait in today's society, yet where "the truth is done rightly, persuasion is an act of love," remembering that "God has given you unique insights and experiences, and if you don't share them, you may be depriving others around you of what God wants to teach them through you." It is biblical (Proverbs 16:23).
Ortlund provides eight strategies to speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15): build trust, use tactful speech, help them save face, balance criticism with praise, calmly identify disagreements, use arguments, reiterate your goals, and appeal to sympathies already held. But remember: "we must be willing to consider that at times we might need to be persuaded to change ourselves!"
In the final exhortation, remember Jesus' words in John 13:34-35: all people will know we are His disciples if we have love for one another. "The world's perception of Jesus is affected by how Christians treat one another." So in our disagreements, we must lay down desires ("to come out on top, to win, to look good") and agendas (for "our own reputation or ego or selfish desires"). Instead, we are to honor truth, please Christ, and build up each other.
In the final exhortation, remember Jesus' words in John 13:34-35: all people will know we are His disciples if we have love for one another. "The world's perception of Jesus is affected by how Christians treat one another." So in our disagreements, we must lay down desires ("to come out on top, to win, to look good") and agendas (for "our own reputation or ego or selfish desires"). Instead, we are to honor truth, please Christ, and build up each other.
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This book is concise and basic yet profound and helpful, well worth an afternoon read.
Rating: A
