The Long Goodbye

Our time in Europe is running short- less than two months remain. In the weeks to come, I'll reflect on our time here through a series of posts I'll dub "The Long Goodbye" (TLG).

Moving is hard. Even local moves feature a good deal of stress, work, and change- not to mention goodbyes. Two and a half years ago, my daughter drew the above picture as we prepared to leave America. We were excited for what lay ahead, but dreadfully sad to be leaving the friends, family, and familiarity of home. We're back in that mindset.

When we left America, I recall those final two weeks being a frenzy of activity. There were hundreds of tasks: paperwork, move prep, clean-outs, charity runs, yard sales, house prep/sale, and goodbyes to friends/family/favorite things (foods, stores, etc.). The days were long and exhausting; tempers were short; emotions were high. This time, we expect the same- though we hope to spread it out a bit more to lessen the pain. So I'll start my goodbyes to our favorite things. The hope is to capture what we held dear here and be thankful for it as we reflect on the blessings we enjoyed. I also hope it allays some of the sadness I've been feeling.

For the past few weeks, I've felt a deep sense of sorrow. It started a few months ago, but then, it was focused on languishing in the pandemic. We're still in that, of course, but as so many (including almost all friends and family) are now vaccinated, my sadness has shifted. But I can't tell to what.

It's bizarre; I've been trying to pinpoint what I'm really upset about. Lost opportunities is an obvious possiblility, but as I think more specifically:

• Is it trips we missed out on? Not really. We may go on one or two before we leave, but we've seen a lot of Europe in our previous tours. We enjoy traveling, and wish the kids could have seen Rome, Paris, and London, but I can't say that's the source of my heartbreak. 
• Is it experiences we didn't have? I don't think so. Yes, we missed some more 'exotic' adventures, but the pandemic enabled us to explore more locally, and that was more satisfying than expected- in some ways, even better than the long trips.
• Is it fellowship we were denied? That could be it. I desperately miss getting together with friends. We've been able to meet virtually (for fellowship or games) with a handful of people, and that's been delightful.
• Is it relationships we never formed? Also possible. I think of the people that have moved here during the pandemic that we would have loved to know better, but never had a chance. Or the people we wanted to have over but didn't. That is heartbreaking. 
• Is it job-related? I'm not sure. I wish I could have accomplished more, but that's probably true of everyone. 
• Is it the visits we stopped getting? We loved but were worn out by our six sets of visitors in 2019. I sure wish parents and siblings could have visited again, but we were blessed with the visitors we did get.

On my bike ride today- my favorite route- I had a thought that might be the clue to the answer. The weather has been poor, so my rides have been infrequent, and on today's trek, I thought "I better enjoy this- it might be the last time I ride this route." Ahhh- I may be on to something.

Ultimately, I think my sadness is because I didn't get my goodbyes. It's not that we didn't get to go to [x] or do [y] or see [z] again- it's that we didn't realize it was our last time going to, doing, or seeing those things or people. That's what gets me more than anything. 

When you know it's the last time you'll do a favored activity, eat a favorite food, or see a beloved friend, you treat the time with greater reverence.  You savor those last times, bites, or fellowship. You reflect on them and are thankful for them. There may be tears at that final parting, but there's closure. Though our final days in America were hectic, we had that closure.

In the pandemic, so many people have left without being able to say goodbye. I've done so many things for the last time without realizing it was the last. That's what has been gnawing at me. 

What's the lesson? Probably gratitude- to be thankful for who you know, what you have, and what you do. To savor the 'little' things, even if you think they'll happen many times in the future. To treasure the time you have with people. I live so much of my life not appreciating blessings to the extent that I should. I assume they will be there again. This pandemic has taught me that they may not be. 

So this forthcoming "TLG" series will look at things we got to enjoy here that we won't stateside. It will be my way of getting closure that has been denied in too many areas. Of having gratitude for what lies behind, before we shift to look ahead in anticipation of what's to come.