The October Resolutions

Largely Irrelevant Background
In college, I was fanatically devoted to fitness.  Six days a week, several times a day, I'd be doing something.  Specifically:

Running: 3 miles (Monday and Wednesday), 1 mile (Thursday), 1 hour-long run (Saturday)
Lifting weights: 3 times per week (Tuesday/Thursday/Friday)
Stretching: after runs, and every evening (except Sunday) for 20 minutes
Dumbbells: every evening (except Sunday)- biceps, triceps, shoulders
Push-ups: 4 sets every day (except Sunday), spread throughout the day
Those things you squeeze to build your forearms: every day (except Sunday)

Needless to say, I was one buff dude.  I routinely received looks of adoration and envy.  It wasn't uncommon to be blown kisses or receive spontaneous marriage proposals*.  Those familiar with my current countenance may be asking, "what happened?"  Time, laziness, children, you name it.  My body rebelled against me after a particularly difficult semester, where I had to slow down the workout pace in favor of academic responsibility.  In that short time frame, my body quickly grew accustomed to sloth, and went into outright rebellion when I attempted to re-institute my former routine.  But, back to the golden years.

In the midst of my near-fanatical devotion to physical perfection, I noticed something.  Around January, the gym got a lot busier. Hordes of well-rested, seemingly determined undergrads descended on the gym, my gym, and affected the efficiency of my workout.  I couldn't jump from machine to machine, or from bench to bench, without running into some noticeable neophyte pacing aimlessly, or worse, sitting on a machine and talking to someone**.  Who was this heathen horde?  Who dare disrupt me and other loyal fitness aficionados?  "Resolutioners", that's who.  People who, on holiday break, looked at their morbidly obese, hideously deplorable selves and said "something has to change."  Then, these same people proceeded to gorge themselves in a deliberate attempt to increase their aforementioned deficiencies, because apparently logic dictates it to be so.  "I need to climb a mountain," they say, "so throw me a shovel."  But I digress.

My point is this: there were more people in the gym because of a resolution.  A New Year's Resolution, which many make.  About 60% of Americans do at one point or another, according to this website, of which, in keeping with responsible journalism, I have made no attempt to verify the validity.  It claims, reasonably, that most resolutions focus on self-improvement, money, weight, and relationships.  These categories imply that we waste time and ability, spend too much, eat too much, and treat each other like garbage.*** 

Though the new-found gym throng bothered me, I didn't worry- it never lasted.  One week into the semester, there was a noticeable decline; two-three weeks in, it was back to the normal crowd.  What a relief- it was one of the many times in my life I found myself secretly cheering for my fellow humans to be irresponsible****.  In keeping with my observation, the website above claims that only 8% of people actually achieve their resolution.

What does this reveal about humanity?  Three things, really:
1) we know we need to make changes
2) we choose January as a time to make those changes 
3) most of us revert to our original, knowingly flawed selves after a short time

Why January?  "It's a new year, of course," some of you are saying.  I get that, but why do we wait until a new year?  Isn't that arbitrary?  Yes.  That's why, this year, I'm choosing another arbitrary date, and starting my resolutions in October^.  I get a three month head start on you average people- wallow in your inferiority.

The October Resolutions
1) Eat no store-bought sweets.
The only dessert I can consume is home made, or freshly made, at a home or restaurant.  I'm tired of being mistaken for Jabba the Hutt while out in public.
2) Drink only water.
Exception- I will drink scotch with a certain crowd, if they offer, but only as part of an extremely scientific taste test.  I may also accept an occasional cider if it's forced on me- but not in my house. 
3) Do push-ups every day (except Sunday).
Giving no predetermined number makes this more attainable.
4) Never play video games in the house.
Video games are great, but they waste time.  Instead, I'll spend more time in valuable pursuits, like taking a more active role in discouraging my children from defecating in the living room. I can still play video games on trips, where it provides a welcome alternative to interacting with people.
5) No spending my own money on entertainment.
Note that I can spend other people's money.  The obvious example is gift certificates or, preferably, untraceable cash gifts.  I admit this one will be tough; it will be easier if you, the reader, kindly donate some money to my cause.  Judging by readership statistics^^, if you each donate $500, I should make it through my resolution year (October 1, 2012 through September 30, 2013).
6) Don't eat animals that you could reasonably expect to see on safari.
This includes (but is not limited to) monkeys, elephants, hippos, rhinoceroses, and the dreaded Land-Octopus of Zanzibar.
7) Try to determine who's been stalking me at work.
Leaving notes, upturning desktop items, there's no end to the harassment I receive.  I suspect it's because I'm a ginger.  I need to buy a deerstalker hat and pipe for this one, but I'm confident that, once appropriately attired, I can figure it out.
8) Actively protest immutable scientific laws by sending strongly-worded letters to congressmen of districts in which I do not live.
"Dear Senator, I write to you today in utter anguish.  I don't know why you, or anyone, would willingly choose to represent, and hence reside in, Oklahoma, but I do know that I can no longer stand the gravitational forces affecting my property in Pennsylvania.  9.8m/s/s is ridiculous is these difficult times of heightened fiscal restraint.  I demand an immediate reduction to no greater than 6.7m/s/s.  You will not get my vote otherwise.  Sincerely, the Right Honorable Horatio Helvetica III (Mrs.)"
9)  Combat evil by banning Dallas Cowboys paraphernalia.
This is something we all agree needs to happen.  The Cowboys are the scourge of society.  "Freedom and Philadelphia" is my cry.  Who's with me?
10) Stretch every day (except Sunday).
I forgot to mention this in the half-serious section.

A Final Note
There are two ways to live life: by the letter of a law, or the spirit.  My resolutions will be carried out to the latter, meaning, for example, that if I'm held hostage and the only sustenance offered is Land-Octopus, I'll make an exception.

Will I do it?  Who knows- my guess is no, though item 6 looks promising.  In 2000, I made (and kept) a resolution to eat no chocolate, soda, or ice cream for a year.  Ever since, whenever I consume a carbonated beverage, I immediately get the hiccups (seriously), but it was worth it, I swear.  Enough; I'm off to gorge myself on chocolate candy and zebra meat, while I still can.


*it still isn't
**sorry, ladies, but these people were, without exception, female.  If you want to talk, go to Starbucks.  The gym is for grunting only.
***and some believe we're inherently good
****if you think me evil, you're right, but I bet you do it, too, which, in our warped human logic, seems to make the abhorrent acceptable.
^it took a long time to get to my point, didn't it?
^^4, though 3 are probably my mom or a spam robot