Family Photos

not my family . . . image from here

Hello!  My name is Natalie- I'm John Mark's daughter, and I'll be a guest poster today on my daddy's blog.  He should probably be supervising me, but he mumbled something about 'not being able to take it anymore' and stormed off- I think he's in the guest room playing with star wars legos and choking back sobs.

Today we tried to do family pictures.  For all you kids out there, know that family photos is a prime opportunity to sow discord.  See, mommy and daddy go to great lengths to make everyone look pretty and dress well and smile nicely and look like a well-rested, got-it-together bunch; in other words, they're out to deceive.  We kids know the truth- most families are discordant, rag-tag groups consisting of self-centered individuals just trying to survive without injuring the others in a way that would cause permanent scars or invite legal proceedings.  Once I discovered this planned deception, I did all I could to ensure our photo shoot reflected the more accurate reality- and I present my techniques below for your enjoyment and use.

Ensuring Family Photos Reflect Reality
Before you leave the house for pictures, here's what I recommend:
- know the objective.  My overall objective is to reflect reality; that means I have the following goals:
       - mommy & daddy should look haggard and exasperated
       - I should be angry, defiant, whining, disinterested in the mandated task, and/or openly weeping
       - my baby brother should be exhausted, worried, dirty, and a menace to himself and others
- start early.  While mommy is trying to dress you for the shoot, have a meltdown, preferably over something trivial or irrational.  Example: "mommy I don't like bananas why does Luke have toes I don't want to wear clothes today WAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"
- disrupt siblings.  It's not enough to be out of sorts on your own; get your siblings into it.  My preferred MO is to punch my baby brother in the face and/or try to flush him down the toilet.  Something that would leave noticeable marks on the face is desired, ensuring the photos accurately reflect the typical situation in the household.  Do this right before leaving the house for the photo outing- the closer to departure the better.
- delay departure.  Refuse to get dressed.  Spill ketchup on yourself.  Put nutella in your hair.  Stop inexplicably on the steps, preferably when your parents are right behind you and carrying something heavy.  There are a number of ways to make this happen.  You'll be forced out the door eventually, but not before making sure your first goal is accomplished.  Once at the photo shoot,
- refuse to cooperate.  Once everyone's in position, storm off.  Refuse to sit on your parent's lap.  Start crying- make sure those eyes stay red throughout the shoot.  If outdoors, get your outfit dirty immediately, in a high visibility spot.  Pout.  Put your hands in your mouth.  Make funny faces or appear forlorn.  Look away from the camera.  Instigate your siblings to encourage acts of madness or downright cruelty.
- give hope.  You'll know once your parents reach a certain threshold.  Once you sense total parental frustration approaching, appear to reconsider.  Imply that you're considering obedience.  Appear to mull bribes in your mind.  The idea is to give your parents hope- and them plunge them back into a despair deeper than they could ever realize.
- share the load.  Endure until a sibling, tired from the event, breaks down himself.  At that point, improve your behavior slightly, giving yourself temporary preferred child status, going back to the previous point.  Once the sibling is back to normal, recommence cooperation refusal.

If you follow these basic steps, I guarantee your family photos will result in an accurate portrayal of the standard household situation.  Good night- and good luck!