What is love? True love is concerned with fostering the growth of another person. "Love is something you do for someone else" It's a choice; an attitude that chooses to look out for another's interests. You do things for their benefit, and in so doing, reflect the fact that "life's deepest meaning is not found in accomplishments but in relationships."
Loving is our responsibility; and on the flip side, we need to know that we belong and are wanted. "At the heart of mankind's existence is the desire to be intimate and to be loved by another." "Our most basic emotional need is not to fall in love but to be genuinely loved by another, to know a love that grows out of reason and choice, not instinct. I need to be love by someone who chooses to love me, who sees in me something worth loving." And we each have what Dr. Gary Chapman calls an "emotional love tank," which (when full) makes us feel loved. His book, The Five Love Languages, looks at how we're wired.
We all have different ways of feeling loved (our "love language"), and we need to know our own (and our spouse's) to effectively love each other. Chapman argues there are five categories that make us feel loved:
Words of affirmation: kind, encouraging, and humble words (making requests, not demands)
Quality time: spending focused time with someone (togetherness, quality conversation, quality activities)
Receiving gifts: (not just physical gifts and money, but also the gift of self)
Acts of service: doing things you know your spouse would like you to do. Seeking to please by serving.
Physical touch: back rub, holding hands, embracing, sex, and more
There are different 'dialects' within the five, so an two people who both love acts of service (for example) may desire very different ones. But the bottom line is to know your spouses- and your own- and act accordingly.
How do you determine your own language? Ask yourself the following questions: "What does your spouse do (or fail to do) that hurts you most deeply? What have you most often requested? In what way do you regularly express love?" Reflecting on this may help you understand what resonates with you.
When you know your (and your spouse's) love language, proceed accordingly. Love them the way they feel loved, even when it's hard (our actions precede our emotions), and watch your relationship grow.
Review
This is an excellent book. A fast read, it helped me understand my own language (and that of my wife's), and it explained how some of my efforts don't resonate with her (and vice-versa). I look forward to applying some of these principles.
Aside: though geared towards spouses, the principles apply to our children, friends, coworkers, and all in our lives. So this book has value regardless of your relationship status.
Rating: A
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